Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Lorem Ipsum and whatnot

i begin here, on my couch. in explaining what the world means to me, i've forgotten to include what it doesn't, and it's just as important. in this way maybe i can get someone to understand. i've been to poland and back, flying across the ocean in a windy tumult of gray clouds. the moisture in the air and the cold that permeates this latitude is almost unbearable at times, but i struggle onward. why has my plane not landed? and how many hours across this desert? will i crash-land safely enough to warrant my ascension? or will i drown in its waters? i ask too many questions, and so obviously receive too little answers, and that is to be expected. I've never told anyone, but this is where i go when i am calm. and it's very hard to be calm lately. i want to travel again, but i fear now, and i used to fear before. this isn't an easy task or goal, and it's all the worse that it is so lonely up here. if someone shared this ride, this wind, then the trip would be more insightful... but when loneliness sets in, it's hard to think of goals and ideals. still, i inch closer to the big reveal, the reason i'm asleep while everyone's awake... or vice versa. vice versa. simply standing in the fields during my break is no longer enough to sate me, and i can't fathom a time when it did. has it really been so long? my watch stopped counting, and i'm too hungry and cold to notice. and yeah... what on earth do i do about food? my canteen is almost empty. problems always come in strings. is this samsara? very likely. moving forward, there's a majestic cliff, and though i hear a waterfall, a massive sound... the spray drowns all light, and my vision is impaired by its salts. it stings at first, but i learn to ignore it. like free-falling, it's uncomfortable. it's not a sensation we're meant to enjoy, so it's (like everything that's dangerous) an acquired taste. as are ideals. and i hate those. i've had more heartbreak from thought than from physical exertion, and it's not by lack of effort, either. ether. but i come across the darkened city and pretend i'm dormant inside the subway tunnels, alone, dirty, cold, and wet. i'm terrified, mind you, but i'm being valiant or something. i'm aware that i'm a bad liar, but it lends to my credibility. the pen in my hands is there for show at this point. my fist shakes so hard as i hold it that it's impossible to write. i exit the tunnel through its darkest depths. i want to be a shaman, but their craft is now extinct. is it a craft or a curse, anyway? does one choose to live this way? the subway rumbles and the announcer tells me not to ask questions, as it bothers the passengers. he tells me to stop drinking, too, maybe i should take it easy. i'm cold, and the irony of this makes me furious, but what can i do? i've surrendered my person to my head, and my head to my bottle. so glug, and so on. i come out into the sunlight feeling broken and naked, and lo! i am. i chuckle at that, but i only get more weird stares. is this the dark tower? oy, asking questions again. i'm no good at complying... i'm glad the man's patient. the man is me, after all, and what i'm looking for, i already have. great. so let's keep looking. it starts to rain. funny onomatopoeias in every language issue forth from the puddles as the droplets hit the ground. is someone making art? is someone taking note of this? of course they are, this is new york city. or has the city gone to sleep since 1954? surely someone keeps the city's dreams, right? someone keeps the streetlights.... taking the subway again? no; it nauseates me. i will walk to the park instead. i remember this place in the daylight... but the thought of light makes me sick too. i need to sleep, and vomit covertly. i don't like being looked at. it makes me feel naked. ugh. i change my mind. vomiting is not a good idea. i'd rather wait it out. somewhere hidden. a bush? a tree? under a bridge... nevermind. here's perfect... dig a little hole. the earth is cold, but it'll do. i'll be sweating in the morning. ugh. fly again. where's good NOW? a girlfriend and a nice place to rest? ah, that's rich, Ulises. it's imaginary. fireplace, christmas, snow. let's create it. here it is. glad to have a mind like this. how does it look? grand. make an appetite of thoughts and images. i'm the human internet, without the porn? i guess thats a failed metaphor. huh. what now? think. cuba, 1930's? mexico, 1850's? new york, earlier? rome? paris? london? too many questions. i forgot i was drunk. no, really, i'm sober by now. i only WISH i was drunk. and in good company, but that's the plight of the drinker. always alone. okay. sober now. where to? the valleys of her body? somewhere tight and warm, where the hair of her head and her ears are next to me. i'm unexpectedly quiet. i look at her, and she looks at me back. pools of water that reflect what little light i have in mine. i smile, empty, and she smiles back. my time is brief upon this planet, and i want her to care, and to understand, because she will be alone soon. i have no faith in her understanding of the world, though, and maybe that's my problem. please believe me, i tell her. one of us will die soon. whatever she chooses, there will be loss, loneliness, and grief. she knows this, i think... but for a second. then: was that a tear? that was! why is watching girls cry such a delight? do they know? i stare... it's unfair, how beautiful they are. it's cruel, really. i'm in no mood to watch her cry, suddenly, get your things. if you mean your silly tears, then come with me. let's go to the beach, somewhere secluded and cold. and count stars. i lose track quickly, but you can humor me and start over twenty times before you fall asleep on me. the night will last for days this time, so sleep. i won't let this moment end, and i'll protect you. but she knows all this, and she's asleep, and i'm her guardian. and i'm a little jealous, truth be told. i've never told you this, but i look at you in your sleep. i stay awake to protect you, even from your dreams... and those can be more harmful.... was that a revelation? no, i don't like the way this sounds, i take it back. you knew what i meant anyway. sleep and sleep. it's for the best. yes, i'll embrace you. okay, i'll hold your hand. just be in love with me, please. that's what we said we're here for, after all. simple dreams, big dreams. being a star in the sky and never falling. nature sleeps with you and me, but i'm not waking this time. you take care of me, in this and the next one, if there is one, if we meet.

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